​​Because of You, I am Here
by Anthony Goulet

Until someone can see you as a sacred blessing, miracle, and gift, they cannot see you.

Although I was told many times that I would be dead or in prison before the age of eighteen, you didn’t see me as a problem needing to be incarcerated, beaten, or thrown away.
Although I was sexually abused and experienced other traumas that no one should ever have to endure, you didn’t see me as a victim, who, at best could only rise to mediocrity. You didn’t see me as at-risk, a problem, victim, or mediocre. You saw me as a sacred blessing, miracle, and gift. I knew that for the first time in a long time I was seen. And because you saw me, truly saw me, I began to see myself.
Because of you, I am here.


Until someone hears you as a sacred blessing, miracle, and gift, they cannot hear you.

Although I was talked at and talked to most of my life, you wanted to hear my voice. My voice that had been beaten back into the recesses of my mind. My voice that I had hidden for so long out of fear that it would be scrutinized, disrespected, mocked, and rejected again. I didn’t even know where my voice was when you came to me. Yet, through your ability to listen and skillfully use the power of silence, you walked me through my internal abyss of pain, loss, tragedy, and shone a powerful light of listening upon the words I thought were lost. You unraveled the voices of strangers, illusions, and lies, gently removing everything I’m not, so I could once again hear my own voice recall and reclaim the sacred blessing, miracle, and gift I am.
You heard me. And because you heard me, I began to hear myself.
Because of you, I am here.


Until someone believes you as a sacred blessing, miracle, and gift, they cannot believe you.


Before you came to me, I had made many outcries, none of which were ever investigated. I was not advocated for. I wasn’t believed. So, I began to follow the three rules that exist in all unhealthy relationships: Don’t talk. Don’t tell. Don’t feel. These three rules amount to nothing more than suppressing our truth, but I followed these three rules to where they always lead us, bottles of alcohol, drugs, putting ourselves in harm’s way, and suicide attempts. But you weren’t like the others. You saw me, listened to me, and believed me. You told me and showed me how to talk, tell and feel.
Because you believed me, I began to believe myself.
Because of you, I am here.


Until someone accepts you as a sacred blessing, miracle, and gift, they cannot accept you.

Because you saw me, heard me, and believe me, I knew you accepted me. I knew it was acceptance because it wasn’t conditional. I didn’t have to prove anything. Your acceptance didn’t depend upon my attitude, behavior, grades, or what I could produce or consume. Before you came to me I was around people who accepted me only as long as I followed their rules. As long as I didn’t talk, tell, or feel, I was accepted. As long as I was willing to not be true to myself, I was accepted. As long as I was willing to harm myself or die, I was accepted. You could have cared less about my willingness to die, however, you were extremely passionate about me regaining a willingness to live.
You accepted me. Because you accepted me, I began to accept myself.
Because of you, I am here.


Until someone has faith in you as sacred blessing, miracle, and gift, they cannot have faith in you.

You saw me, heard me, listened to me, and believed me. How could I not know you had faith in me? You didn’t just believe me when I told you what was done to me as a child, you advocated for me in the face of those who wanted me to crawl back to the three rules of don’t talk, don’t tell, and don’t feel.  You didn’t just ferociously advocate for me, you saw what no one, including myself, could see in me, you saw greatness. You were highly experienced and skilled, so you knew that you could not have a relationship with my potential, but you knew I could. You uncovered the lies and illusions that blocked me from seeing, hearing, believing, and having faith in my potential. You often quoted Robert H. Schuller, “Anyone can count the amount of seeds in an apple, but only God can count the amount of apples in a seed.” I found it funny and exciting when you would say, “Only God knows how many apples are within the seeds of greatness within you, but I am willing to bet anything that you have at least a one-thousand acre orchard!”
You had faith in me, and because you did, I began to have faith in myself.
Because of you, I am here.


 
Sacred blessings, miracles, and gifts are kept safe.

You saw, heard, believed, accepted, and had faith in me. How could I not feel safe? Yet, it was more than a feeling, it was truth. A truly safe place and space majestically appeared whenever I was in your presence. I need you to know that knowing I was safe made my life easier, and although some days I still tried to push you away, it was only because I felt safe that I dared to push the limits. Because what I learned before you came into my life is that conflict, no matter how minuscule, has one result, violence. Whether the violence was physical, where someone is beaten for having a bad day, a different opinion, or just saying a little too much, or the type of violence where someone is ostracized, no longer to be included, with a shunning that would make a physical beating feel comfortable. Then there was perhaps the worst violence of all, when someone disappears, not away from you, but right in front of you; a disappearing act where someone who was safe, no longer is. With the pop of a pill, the piercing of a needle, the gulp of some wine, a puff of some smoke, or a snort of some powder, then they were gone, and so was my safety. You never forced anything. You allowed me to be. My experience wasn’t something you tried to interpret, but something you didn’t allow to interpret me. Although our experiences form us, shape us, they don’t have to imprison us. The place and space of safety that came freely in your presence freed me. Knowing my life, words, thoughts, good and bad days, mood swings, laughter, prayers, love, tears, hopes, dreams, and fears were safe with you freed me. Your safety freed me from the worst kind of prison, a life sentence, not behind bars, but within my mind. You helped free me so that moments of my life didn’t become the rest of my life.
You gave me safety, and because you did, I began to feel safe to take refuge within my own heart, and live from my own heart.
Because of you, I am here.


We trust sacred blessings, miracles, and gifts.

Like you, and most other people, I had given my trust to many who broke my heart. At the time I didn’t know why I was giving life and trust another chance. Now I know. When you said the words, “I trust you,” it permeated through my soul like a life-giving breeze on a dry, humid day. Your trust renewed me. There was no calculated, direct or indirect threat attached to your trust. You trusted me the same way you respected me, you just gave it with no conditions. And when the time came for me to have some closed-book tests, those times when you told me to make my own decisions, I didn’t pass all of them, but you reminded me that there’s no such thing as failure, only lessons. During my relapses of old habits, behaviors, or choices, you kept telling me, “Relapse is normal. It’s part of this dance, and does not mean you failed. I trust you. You are a sacred blessing, miracle, and gift.”
You trusted me, and because you did, I began to trust myself.
Because of you, I am here.


We give peace to sacred blessings, miracles, and gifts.

I could let my guard down with you. I could be me and experience the power of being invulnerable by being vulnerable, which is a manifestation of courage that can only occur when someone knows they’re truly safe. Your presence provided peace. I didn’t know how to react to peace because I was so used to swimming in chaos. I spent so much of my childhood at funerals, hospital waiting rooms, rehabilitation centers, car wrecks, waking up to glass breaking, screams, fighting, and excuses to try to hide what the neighborhood already knew. Peace was loud, uncomfortable, and not easy to digest. But with your help, guidance, and most importantly, your consistency, I grew accustomed to peace. No matter where you are now, just knowing that you gave someone the gift of peace should fill you with the truth that you truly followed a special calling.
You gave me peace, and because you did, I am living a life of peace, and always looking at how I can better share peace with others.
Because of you, I am here.


We know that sacred blessings, miracles, and gifts are of benefit to others and all life.

Before you came into my life I didn’t think my life was of value to anyone. I was not simply within the grips of self-pity, I was depressed, arrogant, and angry. I lived in a constant state of despair and hopelessness, yet you taught me that all of my experiences, if I allow them, can be not only of benefit for me, but for others. You taught me that any poison can be transformed to a healing medicine with the right ingredients. You taught me how to transform poisons to healing medicines and that the antivenom does contain venom, but other ingredients are added to it. You gave me the ingredients of love, faith, hope, and compassion and let them run their course. Your ingredients of love, faith, hope, and compassion mixed with my anger, false pride, un-forgiveness, hurt, pain, and loss, until I awoke from my coma as a healed, renewed creation, with many tests that have been transformed to my testimony. An experience that no one can take, and with a love and gratitude that awoke me to wanting to give all I have been given to others.
You showed me that my life is of benefit to others, and because you did, I live every day to be of benefit, to give all I can, and in this giving I have recognized my true calling by one key trait: that which fills me when I give it away.
Because of you, I am here.


We love sacred blessings, miracles, and gifts because they are a reflection of the truth of the Great Love that created us exactly like itself.

I had been told, “I love you,” in many ways, yet none of them filled me with the undefinable concept of love until you came into my life. I had such a huge void that nothing I used, drank, smoked, swallowed, or snorted could fill until you came along. Little by little, with each time you saw me as a sacred blessing, miracle, and gift, and each time you heard all that I was saying and not saying, with everything about me being believed, and all that I am being accepted, and you having faith in me, making a safe place and space, trusting me, giving me peace, and helping me realize that my life is beneficial to others, the huge thick walls that locked my heart away came crumbling down, flushed out through the river of my tears, and I loved again. I loved again because you loved me.
You loved me, and because you did, I love myself, and because I love myself, I love others.
Because of you, I am here.
​​​


Anthony Goulet